Saving the World
by hakuen
Summary: Tifa doesn't care. Really, she doesn't. Nope. Not a bit.


**Saving the World [One Batch At A Time Ultra Death Bar Mix]**

This is a remix of a super hilarious drabble by lazulisong that is linked from the AO3 version of this story (which is under my profile there: archiveofourown dot org slash users slash hakuen).

* * *

><p>Reno slammed through the double doors of Seventh Heaven. Tifa looked up and groaned, not even bothering to try hiding it. She stopped polishing the glass in her hands and set it down carefully behind her.<p>

"How's tricks?" Reno drawled, pulling out a stool and settling his lanky self all over it. He'd be like a spider if he weren't such a cockroach, Tifa thought, and smirked. "Huh, what's that about?" Reno narrowed his eyes at her; she only arched a brow. "Whatever. I gotta bone to pick with you."

"Hmmm." Tifa pushed up the pass-through and came around the bar, just in case. "What might that be?" She glanced over to the corner where Yazoo had been sitting quietly reading a book all afternoon, and was simultaneously reassured and worried by the sight of him leaning forward, eyes alight behind long silver bangs.

"So, Rude," Reno said, and paused to snag a bottle of beer for himself. "Rude, you know, he's got this - " Reno shoved the top of the bottle between his teeth and cracked it open. Tifa winced. " - this thing for you, this like, undying eternal flaming love or whatever. He wants to fuck you into the next fucking galaxy, don't get that shit twisted," Reno let his eyes drop to her chest and smirked, "but he's seriously serious, like, really fucking serious. I don't get it at all because what's some giant fucking balloon tits? You fuck 'em and you move on. But - "

This was the point at which Tifa kicked his balls in. Then, once he was on the floor, she stomped on them, twisting her foot. Honestly she just didn't want him to get the idea that the blush and the little smile that wouldn't go away were indications that she was somehow _pleased_ to hear any part of this...

Some minutes of cradling his crotch and groaning later, Reno dug an envelope out of his pocket and shook it vaguely in her direction. "Payment," he croaked.

She ripped it open and scanned down it quickly. Wait, what - "Reeve got... and it was addressed to... 'My Only Love My Darling _Ulcer?_' And we supposedly charged _what_ for it?" Her voice rose to a shriek as she dropped the invoice and kicked Reno squarely in the head. Then five more times, just for good measure.

Over Reno's somewhat theatrical and profanity-filled howling, she heard Yazoo inquire, "Would you like my assistance in cleaning up this mess, Tifa?"

"I'll give you something to clean up," Reno growled, and dove for Yazoo's legs from the floor. Yazoo stepped aside, looking down at the Turk and wrinkling his nose just enough for Reno to see and swear revenge, going after Yazoo with his teeth this time as well as his stick and assorted limbs. Tifa rolled her eyes and grabbed his collar, using his suit jacket to pin his arms behind him and walk him far enough that she could launch him out the swinging doors into the dusty street.

Brushing her hands off, then eyeing them and deciding she'd better do the full decontamination as soon as possible, she came back and said to Yazoo brightly, "I'm going to make us a special treat!"

Yazoo still looked a little feral around the edges of his calm, but gave her his almost human half-smile and said, "That sounds wonderful. Is there some way that I might help?"

"You can... go right back to what you were doing before," she said, determinedly chipper. It was the nicest version of "shut up and get the hell out of my way" that she could muster at the moment.

She dug around behind the bar for a few minutes. Then, victorious, she waved a slip of paper around over her head. "The world is saved!" Yazoo looked like he didn't doubt the precise correctness of that statement for a moment. She brought the paper down, and read out for his edification, "Aerith's Secret Recipe Chocolate Butter Toffee Death Bars, with Fudgy Bits."

Because Yazoo was being so very good over there in his corner, she decided to be magnanimous and set a few aside for him and her other boys. The rest? _All hers._

(And possibly, though she'd never admit this out loud, a few might find their way into an anonymous package to be delivered to Rude. Just possibly. Then she'd charge the delivery to the Shinra account with Reno's authorization code. Revenge was almost as sweet as the legendary Death Bars.)


End file.
